However, while the WWE are doing this company wide, one superstar has stood head and shoulders above the rest; Zack Ryder. Ryder debuted on the now defunct (yet again) ECW brand along with ‘brother’ Curt Hawkins, know as the Major Bros. After a transfer to Smackdown and a change in names and character, Ryder and Hawkins won the tag team belts off Miz and Morrison in a four way match. Ryder and Hawkins lost the belts to the Colons (Carlito and Primo) with little fanfare, they spent the rest of there Smackdown tenure as Edge’s henchmen.

In 2009, Zack Ryder was drafted back to ECW and proceeded to change is appearance completely. Now his own man Ryder coining the phrase ‘Woo woo woo, you know it,’ Ryder was ready to stand out from the crowd. Despite the impressive matches he had with the likes of Christian and Yoshi Tatsu, Ryder meandered after ECW closed once more and he was drafter to Raw. A brief feud with Evan Bourne and his quest for a Diva ended abruptly. Ryder was relegated to Superstars regular. Ryder seemed destined to sit in the shadows and watch other stars succeed him, until Ryder launched ‘Z True Long Island Story’ in February 2011.

Filming himself with a range of recurring characters such as the Big O and MoFo Zack’s dad, Zack found his niche entertaining thousands of people. The show is usually a range of humorous skits in which Ryder vents his frustrations at being overlooked. There are also shots of Ryder signs, and the always charming ‘Broski of the Week’ competition. The show was a massive success, with viewing figures up in the 6 digits. Since the show began there has been a wave of admiration for Ryder, fans regularly bring signs with Ryder’s name and catchphrases to the shows and the Zack Ryder t-shirt sold out at WWEshop.com, which is impressive for a wrestler who can’t get on the main shows anymore, but why is WWE still unwilling to push Ryder?

The main test was the three hour special Raw in Ryder’s home town of Long Island a couple of weeks ago. Ryder was not featured on Raw; instead he had to make do with Superstars, where he received a hero’s welcome from the crowd. The crowd made it’s feelings about Ryder clear on several occasions, but come the ‘Power to the People’ interactive Raw the following week, Ryder was not included as a choice for any matches nor featured at all. Where as Michael Cole and Vickie Guerrero killed time and brain cells with a ‘dance’ contest and Kane and Mark Henry had a bland arm wrestling match. The first ever ‘Internet’ champion was left out in the cold again but why?

Many people would like to claim Ryder has been overlooked for the typical big men of WWE like Ezekiel Jackson and Mason Ryan, while this may be true to an extent, other wrestlers have succeed while being smaller or similar size, such as Sin Cara and Daniel Bryan. Others would comment on the rumours running about the current WWE creative team. These rumours include the tale that Vince McMahon is adverse to utilising ideas not created by him or his team, and that Ryder by taking the initiative, may have painted himself into a corner by branding himself away from the WWE watchdog. However, another theory could simply be that the boss doesn’t get it.

Vince McMahon is still the driving force behind the WWE and is notoriously dedicated to the cause 24/7. As such Mr. McMahon does not have much insight on modern trends and the latest pop culture influences. Zack Ryder’s ‘Long Island Iced Z’ character appears to be him playing himself amped up to eleven, but there are a few similarities between Ryder and the latest MTV craze, The Jersey Shore. From the tanned bodies, spiked hair and fist pumping, Ryder would fit seamlessly into the cast of theJerseyShore. But as said before McMahon has little time to keep up with the latest TV shows, plus Vince has been known to dismiss gimmicks due to his own personal views.

A key example would be British wrestler Paul Burchill. Burchill was William Regal’s nondescript partner in 2006 until he was repackaged as the Jack Sparrow inspired pirate. Emulating the charm and wit Johnny Depp brought to the popular film, Burchill seem to be a success. With an inventive entrance and well delivered promos, Burchill got over with the fans. The problem was Vince never saw Pirates of theCaribbeanand had little interest in the gimmick, feeling pirates were too childish and outdated. Vince quickly killed the character and brought Burchill back as an incestuousChelseavillain, a gimmick which effectively killed his career.

Some would say Vince must have heard ofJerseyShore, having promoted a match at Wrestlemania 27 featuring the star of the show Snooki. But that doesn’t mean Vince is aware of her or the show, simply that she is famous. The same quality which had the likes of Jeremy Piven, Johnny Knoxville and Pee Wee Herman all appear on WWE television.

The truth is, there might be more than one reason WWE doesn’t want to push Ryder, but the fans have taken Ryder into their hearts due to his tongue-in-cheek wit and general ambiance. And this past week on Raw saw Zack appear on Raw to say ‘woo woo woo, you know it.’ The implication is Ryder will challenge David Otunga and Michael McGillicutty for the tag team belts. It wasn’t much, but Ryder was on Raw and looked more than just enhancement for the mid card guys. The Ryder Revolution has begun…

The smell invades and churns my stomach. Yet, people seem to have killed off their senses and scruples by entering the crude cafeteria and ordering food and drink. They always buy for the people who are hanging outside the take away shops, despite the fact that it is clearly not, in any way, able to eat this glorified grease with out vomiting uncontrollably. Sitting on the repulsive floor, which doesn’t smell to hygienic in the first place, with dark rings under their eyes which takes all the other colour from their face. They mumble something incoherent under their breathe, which is the only energy they can muster. These solid masses of alcohol induced apathy are common most nights. In fact, I’m well aware that at some points in my life I sat on that floor staring at passers by with all the enthusiasm of an elderly hedgehog that didn’t follow the highway code on the M7. However, these zombies tend to be out in full force on a Friday night along with the tramps.

Girls of all ages see Friday night as a night to portrait there inner desire of being a disease ridden, over made up, poorly attired whores. During the week, and even in the daytime, there are a small population of women that dress themselves up in these manners in the hope that one day their boyfriend will whisk them to the Jeremy Kyle Show for a DNA test on the latest unwanted spawn. But the vast majority of the female species understand that men like women who appear clean. Women look truly beautiful when they are underplaying themselves, when they keep things to bare essentials in terms of make up. On Fridays, that all changes. Determined to rid the world of beauty, they slap toxic waste upon their faces and pour themselves  into the poorest excuse for rags and fabric that has ever graced god’s green earth. Not only do they look the part, they sound the part of walking shit in high heels. Screeching about men and sex at the top of their lungs as if they are the only people that have ever experienced it apart from mainstream celebrities. They slur and shout but always fail to make sense unless they are talking about mobile phones or past boyfriends that make you realise why these girls got dumped in the first place. There is nothing at all redeemable about girls on the Friday night. They are indeed suitable candidates for a mass genocide. If you go out on a Friday night and meet a girl who looks genuinely pretty and isn’t shrieking at the top of their voices about things that only matter to them, I suggest you have found the rose that grew out of the pot of manure. Friday night girls look like Jack Nicholson in the original Tim Burton Batman film. They all fell in a vat of chemicals and came out psychotic and disfigured. But these are still not the worse things about Friday nights.

Every time I go out on a Friday night there are people who are frustrated about their lives for whatever reason. Unfortunately these people look forward to Friday nights as their reward for living through their life another week, meaning they infiltrate every pub and club that possible exist in Britain. This leads to them drinking far much more they can handle, which then leads to pockets of self loathing and hostility. Friday nights are violent. It is a fact. Friday nights are when everybody is tired after a stressful week and sit smiling on their exterior, while secretly seething on the inside. Once they have consumed more than two pints they are an active volcano, waiting for some minor incident to permit them to erupt and fill the sky with their own spiteful lava. Usually it is a minor incident, sometimes they don’t need any type of stimuli to poison an entire area with their aggressive venom. You just have to walk down a high street in any town centre and you’ll see groups of men shouting, swearing and quite likely pushing or physical fighting outside pubs. The only people I see with any type of control are the guardians of the clubs, or doormen as they are more commonly known as. The violence sends a force up in the air that makes everyone who isn’t halfway to drunken oblivion uneasy. It feels like paranoia but it is a very real threat to people. If you don’t tread extremely carefully then someone is going to try a start a conflict with you that will leave you shaken in the best case scenario.

Air feels heavier, the lights seem more bright to the point they are obnoxious, the smell is that of alcohol escaping the pores on men and choking on the make up fumes of the girls, sounds of shouting and screaming serenades like an army of pop idol cats. This is truly the hell of modern British society. Fuck Fridays.

1. Who rules the roost?

At the last count, TNA had three men in charge. Jeff Jarrett as the founder of TNA, Mick Foley as the majority shareholder and Jim Cornette as the face of management all claim to be the law of TNA. However, just a few weeks ago Kurt Angle was able to take over Impact, despite the presence of Cornette. This has been very confusing for the average fan, who has the power? In WWE, while General Managers rule the show Vince McMahon can come into any show and overturn decisions. This has been made perfectly clear. TNA jumps between all three men making decisions without ever clarifying their individual positions. I would purpose that Jim Cornette take the reins as the ‘executive vice president’ over Jarrett and Foley. The reason for this is Cornette is a damn good mouthpiece, and he will look impartial as he is very unlikely to jump into the ring at the drop of a hat. With one boss, TNA will resemble a company the fans can relate to.

1. X marks the spot.

At the start of TNA, one thing was right about it. While all around them were human willies, Rikishi tributes and Ed Ferrera, TNA had one appealing factor. That element was known as the X division. A staple of anti-WWE companies has been to show off the smaller, more agile workers in the company to produce jaw dropping matches and memorable moments. But recently the X division has been the victim of odd booking and wrestlers exiting the promotion. With great talent such as Petey Williams, Sonjay Dutt and Jimmy Rave leaving the company and Christopher Daniels and Frankie Kazarian on the side lines as Suicide, the X division is greatly reduced. With Chris Sabin, Alex Shelley, Jay Lethal and Consequences Creed also doubling as tag teams the X division is stretched thin. TNA could easily get rid of one of its higher paid but useless stars and bring in some fresh talent or an established name like Ultimo Dragon.     

1. Knockout Idea

Fans will remember back in 2007 when Gail Kim and Jacqueline knocked the holy hell out of each other in an attempt to dispel the mainstream woman scene. As little as a year ago Gail Kim and Awesome Kong were having stand out matches and stealing the show every night they were in the ring together. Now, what was an awe inspiring division has become yet another victim of booker’s whims and fancies. With the departure of division booker Scott D’Amore and trendsetter Gail Kim, Awesome Kong was set to carry the division. Despite the heelish brilliance of the Beautiful People, these ladies have been hampered by injuries and erratic creative decisions. More emphasis has to be put back on these ladies, ending Kip James’ interaction. Firing some of the dead wood like Rhakka Khan for more experienced and talented individuals such as MisChief . It would also do good if the stand out of the Knockouts Awesome Kong was not hampered by an entourage. Kong is meant to be an unstoppable beast, not the host of Impacts desperate divas book club.

1. Shades of Grey

Something fans of wrestling are likely to note after watching Vince Russo’s contributions to wrestling, both good and cancer inducingly terrible is that Russo doesn’t fully understand the basic logic of wrestling characters. Watching lots of films, as Russo undoubtedly has, he figured all the great characters can not be whiter than white or pure evil. Russo thinks that wrestling should be a lot like the film Snake Eyes. The hero should be a deeply flawed man who is put into an incredible situation and ends up doing what is right. Meanwhile the villain is a man driven to desperate measures for the principles he believes in. However, wrestling resembles a John Wayne film. The good guy wears a white cowboy hat and, despite liking the odd drink, is pure through and through. The villain is a devious man who does what he likes for greed and power over others. But the result of Russo’s philosophy is a lot of TNA stars being watered down and losing any momentum they previously had. For example, Samoa Joe was an unstoppable beating machine with little or no emotion. He looked primed to be TNAs future. Russo decided that Joe wasn’t well rounded enough and turned him into a self-doubting cry baby. Now Joe is a homicidal maniac with a giant knife, making him a phallically inadequate cry baby. Russo needs to try and turn these people’s fortune around. Several of the mid card could use with time away from screen (like Joe and Abyss) and re-emerged as new, more dynamic wrestlers (preferably without therapists or ridiculous knives).

1. Cream Rising to the Top

Right now, TNA and WCW share a similar trait in the main event scene. The current TNA title scene includes Sting, Kurt Angle, Mick Foley, Jeff Jarrett and Team 3D (apparently) with AJ Styles, Scott Steiner and Booker T coming up underneath. All of these guys have seen much better days. Sting was the current champion but was also the oldest man on the TNA roster. With Christian Cage returning to WWE, the top scene looks aged and lack lustre. The biggest problem is that the under card stand very little chance to upward mobility. This is due to the earlier gimmicks killing off fan interest in the wrestlers. Abyss was frequently cheered in TNA until earlier this year when he started to pretend to be as stupid as a brain damaged brick. The few guys they show interest to (Robert Roode and Eric Young) are given too many side tracks and lifeless feuds. TNA needs to figure out progressive and well paced storylines, the kind that Jeff Hardy or Batista received in WWE. Eric Young could be the recipient of a good push with him as the plucky underdog to the overbearing Kurt Angle, over a series of months until Young gets the win he’s been looking for. Simple but with those two talents it could really work.

I know the chances to TNA even reading this column are slim to nil, never mind taking on any of these changes. But the facts remain; TNA is in a creative downfall and is rapidly affecting the television it produces. While they may have good ratings right now (largely due to a good advertising campaign) it won’t take long before fans turn off. TNA needs to draw more fans in, not send them away feeling unsatisfied and confused.

On a different note, I would like to express my sadness over the death of Andrew ‘Test’ Martin. I saw him wrestle HHH in 98 and I thought he was going to be huge. I celebrated when he dropped the big elbow on Shane McMahon. I cheered for him and Albert against the Dudleys at Backlash. I jumped for joy when he won the European Title from Eddie Guerrero. I thought he was epic winning the immunity battle royal. I laughed when he threatened the USA flag. I was happy to hear his name mentioned with the ECW title. He may have had more downs then ups, but it is still extremely upsetting to hear a young man once again dead long before his time.

 God bless you Test, you will be missed.  

After losing its long time booker of Gabe Saplosky, many of the fans of this group have been worried about what the future held for their ‘real’ wrestling promotion. Former NWA champion Adam Pearce was chosen due to his love and understanding of the old school techniques and characters. President Cary Silken felt that Pearce would be able to guide ROH into a new age that would improve ROH and its chances of landing a television deal. With the help of others in the locker room (including Bryan Danielson) Pearce has set out to create more traditional faces and heels. The idea is that if ROH can continue to showcase its amazing talent and create a new generation of personalities, the company would be able to generate a new audience, which will create the opportunity for ROH to enter the mainstream. So how has the product presented to the fans changed?

On the surface, not a lot has changed. ROH is still using the action in the ring to highlight its differences between this organisation and the ‘Sports Entertainment’ companies WWE and TNA. These are usually the great technical matches with some very wild brawls and unbelievable high flying action. Meanwhile backstage segments are not usually vital to the story but add something when viewed. However, the interviews and segments seem much more prominent on DVD releases and ROHs Video Wire (viewed at ringofhonor.com). While the wrestling action hasn’t changed too much, certain wrestlers have. Over the pass year, there have been several turns and swerves. A key example would be the Age of The Fall. Jimmy Jacobs, Lacey, Tyler Black and Necro Butcher started the year as the AOTF but now only Jacobs remains associated with the group. Necro Butcher went from a muted barbarian like figure to a hard man father, thanks in part to his role in the film ‘The Wrestler’. Lacey left the group for Austin Aries. Tyler Black was kicked out after several break out matches in the year. The AOTF now consists of Jacobs, newcomer Brodie Lee and Delirious, who turned heel after Daizee Haze turned him down. Plus, the man who Jacobs has been having a red hot war with turned heel on Tyler Black by attacking him alongside Jimmy Jacobs. Sometimes, it is difficult to keep up with who is on who’s side. But it is not as baffling as TNA booking.

Another change has been these old school gimmicks being resurrected. But it is worth mentioning that they usually fit the performer like a glove, or are being played for comic value. For instance, one of ROHs students Mitch Franklin had developed some good basic skills and gathered a small fan following. But then he decided to impersonate Big Josh. Reformed as Grizzly Redwood, Franklin has been decked out in jeans and flannel shirts while talking about cutting down trees. It is a big joke because Franklin is small in stature and therefore looks nothing like a real lumberjack. Meanwhile, quite possibly the most entertaining ROH student is ‘Addicted to Love’ Rhett Titus. Titus exploded onto the scene as the competition for Daizee Haze’s affection, opposing Delirious. His constant bragging and thrusting has turned him into one of the funniest acts in ages. Titus has a bright future ahead of him and it starts in January when he starts facing the big names like Bryan Danielson.

The overall production values have remained the same, which is more likely to be a bad thing than a good thing. With minimal lighting, the same graphics and borderline amateur camera work. ROH may not be in any position to throw money around on things such as production values but the constant dingy atmosphere does not endear itself to the mainstream. When ECW was launched on TNN in America Paul Heyman insisted in not changing production values, and that can be credited to the product feeling stale and aimed at the minority audience. Ring of Honor, who has claimed to learn from the mistakes of wrestling promoters in the past need to learn from this one.

But the in ring product, which ROH has always prided itself in, has remained to the highest quality. With the regular stalwarts Nigel McGuiness, Bryan Danielson, Austin Aries and the Briscoe brothers being joined by new talent like Kevin Steen, Tyler Black, Kenny King and the American Wolves as well as veteran Jerry Lynn. This roster has been very impressive this pass year and looks good to continue it into 2009. Opposed to the larger companies, ROH rarely does backstage segments as a way to progress a storyline. Backstage segments are usually a DVD extra or a quick recap of events by a wrestler from the last show. Recently, ROH has been dabbling with the inclusion of these videos as a way to develop angles. For example, Jimmy Jacobs spiked ex-girlfriend Lacey and recorded it for all to see, kind of. However, these still are more reserved and logical than the average angle shot on WWE television.

Overall, ROH has been true to its original vision. The idea of a group that was ran and represented all the values of the old school territories but with the dynamic and exciting styles of modern day wrestling. While some things still need to be amended, Pearce has done a fair to good job of running the promotion. With new characters and a focus on preparing new stars for when the current line up of head liners decide to make the move to guaranteed contracts and prime time television. Ring of Honor, barring any major financial downfall, will continue to expand and be enjoyed by its loyal fans. It might be able to add to those numbers, but it will take some time and maybe a big name to jump to them.

Jack Swagger

The tall blond All American American has already made a large impact on the ECW brand. Debuting last year, Swagger won over the fans as the arrogant pretty boy fairly quickly. A long lasting feud throughout the autumn with Tommy Dreamer set him up as a man to hold the ECW title soon. But no one could have predicted how soon. The man with less than a year on a national circuit beat the beloved Matt Hardy at the start of 2009, shocking the world. Despite the little experience and the greenness of Swagger, he carried the title with poise and with matches far better than they had any right to be. Having lost the title to Christian at the Backlash event, Swagger looks to have one more year on the ‘C-Brand’ before advancing onto the big shows to iron out some little details. His biggest drawback right now is his character borders on the comedy geek and super competitor. While he stands out of the crowd without being just another body, his promos focus much on comedy expressions and drawing attention to his speech defect until his serious edge is greatly diminished. This may not be all Swaggers fault but WWE need to look at the productiveness in slamming Swagger for his one imperfection over and over again.

John Morrison

‘The Shaman of Sexy’ is pegged by some to be the next big star. Surviving the Tough Enough reality show and debuting as Eric Bischoff’s lackey on Raw as Johnny Spade, before changing it to Johnny Nitro. Nitro returned to Ohio Valley Wrestling where he formed a team with Joey Mercury (formerly Joey Matthews from the original ECW) and girlfriend Melina. Taking the tag titles off Eddie Guerrero and Rey Mysterio on their Smackdown debut in 2005, MNM took the WWE by storm. Being the stand out stars of the ailing tag team division meant that the fans took MNM very seriously. However, it all hit the fan in 2006 when Melina’s cocky attitude and Mercury’s drug use forced the team to disperse quickly. Nitro ended up on Raw with a red hot feud with Jeff Hardy which led to 2007. Nitro then look to fall off the map completely until the tragic events in June 2007 made WWE put Nitro into the frame of ECW champion. Headlining against CM Punk and…well, not many others. Renaming himself again as John Morrison, after Jim Morrison of The Doors, Morrison lost the title to Punk before getting involved with The Miz. Starting out as hype for a triple threat match, the two were put into a tandem and, in the tradition of the Hollywood Blonds or New Age Outlaws, caught on fire. Going throughout 2008 entertaining the Internet audience with the Dirt Sheet and holding the tag titles on both Raw and Smackdown, Morrison sky rocketed. Briefly feuding with DX and gaining victories over Shawn Michaels and Rey Mysterio, Morrison looked to be on top of the world. Having split from the Miz and turning face in the process, Morrison faces a challenge making it away from the land of the heel. But going straight into a high profile rivalry with Chris Jericho will certainly not hurt ‘The Guru of Greatness’ in becoming a huge star very soon.

MVP

Montel Vontavious Porter debuted on Smackdown as the highest paid performer in WWE history. Playing on the public image of sportsmen in the current age, MVP entered WWE with a lot of fanfare. After a so-so run with Kane, MVP rebounded and soon became a technical maestro and United States Champion. Entering the performances of both men’s career, MVP and Matt Hardy had a classic run with quality matches and sterling segments. After dropping the US title after a lengthy run, MVP then hit a massive road block. Rumoured to have had a falling out with management resulted in a near year long losing streak. Rebounding late last year, MVP was now a heroic baby face, finally beating Big Show in a last man standing match. MVP then went into a minor feud with US champion Shelton Benjamin and preparing for the Money in the Bank ladder match. MVP finally moved from Smackdown to Raw along with his newly won US title. Last week, he entered a solid outing with WWE Champion Randy Orton on Raw and has gained mainstream television attention thanks to Sherri Shepherd of the View (US version of Loose Women) MVP looks to have more upside to his career than he has in months.

C M Punk

Former head honcho of the Ring of Honor before accepting a WWE contract in 2005, Punk looked to be an impending failure in the big leagues. Faltering during a match on Heat, Punk was sentenced to Ohio Valley Wrestling until Paul Heyman brought Punk up in 2006 to be the new face of the recently revived ECW. Punk instantly became a fan favourite, despite WWE losing faith in him. Punk persevered and eventually won the ECW title in 2007, only to lose it briskly to Chavo Guerrero. Punk then won the Money in the Bank at Wrestlemania 24, after failing to regain the ECW title. Punk did nothing of note until June, when he pounced on an injured Edge and became World Champion. This should have been a big deal for Punk, but he was booked as a lucky loser from the first night. Punk managed good matches with Batista and JBL, who cut him down as a paper champion, before being knocked out by Randy Orton at Unforgiven, giving Chris Jericho the title without Punk ever losing it. Rather than chasing the title, Punk settled for the tag team championship along with Kofi Kingston for a stint. Meanwhile, Punk then looked at William Regal’s Intercontinental Championship. Winning a tournament in the last months of 2008, Punk unseated Regal in early 2009. Punk lost the tag titles to the exciting duo of Miz and Morrison. Next, he lost the Intercontinental title to JBL in the run up to Wrestlemania 25. Punk was not expected to win the Money in the Bank for a second year, but he prevailed. Despite doing nothing for several months, Punk was drafted to Smackdown and last week was immediately put into a main event with Edge. With a rivalry with Umaga on the books, Punk looks to have some good performances but his character needs more support if he is to become a permanent main eventer.

The Miz

Former reality television star has excelled in recent times as a spoilt brat. Coming second to Daniel Puder in the final version of Tough Enough, Mike Mizanin was given a contract anyway and was sent to Deep South Wrestling to train under Bill DeMott. Coming to Smackdown in 2006 and using the moniker ‘Miz’, he was shown as more of a Gene Okerlund figure rather than a wrestler. Problem was, with irritating catchphrases and a cocky personality, the fans soon turned on Miz. Having a handful of matches and a horrific segment at No Mercy, Miz ended 2006 as a non entity. 2007 was not much different, apart from switching brands and ending up on the ‘under new management’ ECW. But at Cyber Sunday, Miz won the vote to wrestle CM Punk for the ECW title. While he didn’t win it was a very encouraging sign and he was involved in a three way competition for the gold along with John Morrison and CM Punk. This, as stated earlier, led to the formation of the self proclaimed ‘greatest tag team in the 21^st century.’ Facing all competition from Hardcore Holly and Cody Rhodes to Jesse and Festus, Miz and Morrison sky rocketed in popularity with the WWE fans. Playing the straight man in the web show ‘The Dirt Sheet’, Miz honed his microphone skills. Soon, Miz and Morrison’s hard work paid off by rubbing shoulders with the likes of Batista, JBL, Rey Mysterio and having a competitive match with D-Generation X on a special three hour edition of Raw. Miz also had the honour of wrestling the ECW Championship scramble match while his partner sat on the sidelines. The tandem’s last hurrah was a gripping feud with the Colons to unify the two tag team titles, which was criminally bumped from the Wrestlemania card for no real reason. Miz was moved to Raw in the last Draft show and ended his relationship with John Morrison by hitting him with the Reality Check. These past two weeks, the Chick Magnet has started a minor feud with John Cena and shown amazing potential to be a future superstar.

Overall, these men can only succeed if the WWE wants them to. So far, they’ve shown some interest in the future superstars, but will they make it to the main event. Cynics will say no, citing the HHH effect which hampered the careers of Rob Van Dam, Booker T. and, most recently, Randy Orton. But one can hope that the tremendous talent on hand will make the highest plateau.

There she is. Standing at her locker, going through her books. Brightly coloured and standing tall to attention, as most things tended to do when they caught sight of her divine figure. It sounds quiet. The background noise is still their, but is as incoherent as it is insignificant. She has her back to me. The only girl I ever met who could look desirable in those poorly coloured and constructed clothing. There is no moisture in my mouth at all, it’s Sahara dry. The smell, the smell remains. Now there is the slight addition of a subtle perfume, which complements her. I touch her arm with the back of my hand to gain her attention. She turns and sees me. I can’t breathe. Great, now I’m going to pass out and crush her.

 She is beautiful. Her brown silk hair flops over her forehead, her skin is a delicate white and her eyes. Her eyes are the shade of the lake in the park on a summers day. They warm up my soul. Somewhere I remembered to breathe. Brilliant.

She’s embarrassed. Or traumatised. Oh fuck. Wait. Her lips, so sweet, are upturned in the corners. She’s smiling. Is she kinky? Nope. Just embarrassed. I don’t know how I know that. Maybe she’s telepathic. She’s not looking directly at me. Her head is tilted to face the floor, yet she is still gazing into my heart. People are pushing me in the back but I can’t let them have any leeway. I must apologise or she’ll think I’m a random groper. That’s got to be a turn off. Everything and everyone is quiet, the worst of all is that she won’t answer me. “ I’m so sorry. I wasn’t paying attention. I know it’s a shit excuse. But, honestly, I would never do anything to hurt or upset you.” She nods. It is the single most wonderful feeling I’ve had in my life. She accepts my apology for trying to get her attention and being pushed into her in a compromising position. I can’t taste anymore. My mouth is dry still. The smell is lingering, but all my focus is on beauty personified. I listen to her breathing. Tell her. Tell her. She’s still not looking up. It’ll have to wait. “Bye”. That’s all I hear. Bye Crocker. Bye heart.

Meet Benton. This young man grew up in Raynes Park, near Wimbledon. He is tall and skinny, with greasy black hair, a large roman nose and a pathetic collection of small hairs collecting under his bottom lip. Like many teenagers of this time he had a desire. This desire was not love, nor was it to help out his fellow man. He never dreamed of a family, or a cure for cancer. Benton’s passion was for being a media whore. There was a small problem for Benton, that being the fact his only talent was for chronically masturbating. Fortunately for him there was an answer to his crippling lack of ability. It wasn’t to train hard or learn a new skill such as singing, this was reality television.

All you had to do was send in a video of yourself being overly obnoxious and you’ll be on your first steps to becoming a tragic idol to a generation of talent less, deservingless, repulsive, repugnant, redundant and retarded children. Benton couldn’t resist. He stepped into his back garden and starting boasting all of his credentials that he had never really accomplished. Lines such as “I lost my virginity at the age of 11” despite being a virgin until he was 20, and then only losing it when he got the ugliest girl drunk as an enjoyable liberal democrat. “I am somewhat of a local celebrity already due to my crazy stunts” despite nobody caring about the time he tripped on a skateboard and sprained his ankle. “ I’m young, exciting, surprising and a real clever” despite… well, you can see where this is going. Benton was so excited to send off his video and to hear a response, until he talked to Charlotte. Charlotte was Benton’s cousin and she couldn’t stand him. Yet, out of a sense of family loyalty, befriends Benton. Benton explained his plan, to which Charlotte pointed out the only way to get on the show was to be an ethnic minority, homosexual, whore or to be diagnosed as having some mental illness. Benton, despite being a moron, was none of the above. He needed help. He knew that this was really his only chance at fame. Benton had no patience to learn and no natural talent. So, he resorted to desperate measures. He listened to Marilyn Manson, took the lamb chops out of the fridge to drink the blood of a sacrificial lamb (He was repeatedly dropped on his head as an infant.) and prayed to the Devil.

The next day, the television producers called Benton on his mobile and requested a small meeting regarding his audition. Benton wet himself. He stood with a huge grin on his face and a large puddle in his Nike trousers. Benton had made it. After a long time he realised that there was something oddly damped in his pants. Once he discovered what he had done he rushed back to his bedroom and opened his cupboard where he found something simply incredible. In the cupboard were a man, dressed in a black suit with a purple silk shirt and a woman, naked, on a lead and sobbing uncontrollably. The man had bright red hair, dark bushy eyebrows and wild, neon green eyes. The girl was very beautiful. Her skin was pale and she had long strawberry blonde hair. She had high cheekbones, pearl white teeth and eyes of the ocean.

“Who the hell are you? How’d you get in there?” shrieked Benton, feeling aroused at the sight of a naked woman. The man simply looked down at the girl. She sniffed and attempted to control her tears. She turned to Benton and squeaked “He’s your new master.”

“Bog off.” exclaimed Benton.

“He is Satan” stated the girl, more calmly than before.

“No way. The devil has… y’know, Horses feet”

“I assure you I do not Benton” spoke the devil.

“You know my name?”

“Yes Benton Harley Bailey Rose Elizabeth Campbell”

“ My parents were expecting a girl”

“I know. By all accounts you were a happy medium of genders” joked Satan.

“What’d you want?”

“I upheld my part of the deal. I can get you in the program of your dreams but I need something in return.” Benton sat on his bed with a bump. He looked up at Satan and noticed he was holding a sheet of paper with a pen in hand. Benton took the paper from him and saw the words “contract”, “ soul”, Benton’s name and a dotted line.

“You’ll definitely make me part of the show?”

“I already have my boy.”

“How? Voodoo magic or what?”

“Voodoo?” shouted Satan “Voodoo is a kid’s notion of control.”

“So how did you do it?”

“I’m a member of the production team.”

“WHAT?”

“I created the whole concept. Best thing I’d done since I shot JFK.”

“WHAT?”

“That’s another story. Now will you sign the contract?” Benton grabbed the pen and signed the contract in a rush. He was scared and confused. When he looked up, they were gone. The contract had gone. The pen had gone. The wet patch had grown significantly in his £3.99 trousers. It was a strange and eerie experience that Benton would never forget, instead he suppressed it. The focus eventually turned to the phone call that was made previously, the one that said they liked his audition tape. After the interview he soon started packing for the show which would be aired live in a month.

Soon that month came. He went in listening to a bunch of idiots screaming with excitement, anticipation and plain lack of intelligence. Then the problems really started. All participants had to stay in the place for 2 weeks before the evictions would start, and those two weeks were torture, even for the brain-dead contestants. As stated, the people elected to be in the show were gay, whorish, ethnic or retarded, but none had the problems of poor Benton. At first he was unnoticed. The exact opposite of what Benton wanted. He didn’t want to blend in the background, he wanted to be the foreground. Unfortunately, on the third day, that’s exactly where he was. Benton had gone two days without pleasuring himself, and it was more than he could handle. After all the other contestants went out to do something mundane or ridiculous or equally unimpressive after drinking booze to show their personality (or would if they had one that didn’t resemble a dull brick). Benton went into the bedroom to fondle himself to ecstasy. Unfortunately, the people controlling the cameras decided this was more popular than the rest of them talking about their families and showed it on television. Benton was exposed. It doesn’t get any better. The producers told the rest of the housemates and they teased him about it constantly. Worse, the pathetic little challenges they were assigned involved Benton climbing high up a pole. When he suffered crippling vertigo once he got two feet off the ground. Benton then got drunk and streaked around house in the middle of the day, followed by him crying when all the girls turned him down at the proposition of sex. By the end of the two weeks Benton was humiliated and evicted. Benton stayed in bed for a week after this until he decided to confront the man responsible for this humiliation. Satan.

He went through the same rituals as he done the previous time. He turned around and the girl was there. She was still naked but she wasn’t crying this time. She looked upset and traumatised, but not sobbing.

“Where the fuck is he?” yelled Benton.

“Doesn’t matter. I’m here” she replied.

“Who are you?”

“I’m Vixen. Or one of them. I was inducted when I got to hell.”

“I’m going to hell as well,” replied Benton “and I’m a flop. I’ll never be famous”

“You could train. Become an actor or a singer or something.”

“I’m the guy who spunked off on national TV.”

“Well, you are famous”

“But I didn’t want this. Why would he do it to me? What have I ever done?”

Vixen stared at him. She walked over to him and sat on the bed beside him, making sure there weren’t many stains under her. She lifted his head to make sure he wasn’t looking at her body.

“Did you ever hear of a man named Charles Moreton?” she asked. Benton shook his head. Vixen continued. “Back in 1689, he made a barter with the devil. He wanted to be an explorer so he could help his country. He saw it raped and pillage and ravished by disease. He wanted to go off and find something that would solve his country of disease. He travelled to the west coast of America and found something. It was a plant. The earliest form of aspirin.”

“That’s great.”

“Well it would’ve been if he made it back to England. A freak storm in the ocean killed him and his whole crew. Of course that was orchestrated by master. He upheld his deal. Charles found explored and found something of great use to his fellow countryman.”

“Why wasn’t he allowed to deliver it?”

“In Charles’s case, it was simply the master being the master. You see, Charles was a loving man who cared about helping those around him. The master had to do what he was expected to do.”

“So where does that leave me?” asked Benton.

“You are selfish, arrogant and above all else oblivious. You seem to think the world owes you every thing because you are a product of a broken home. You want all the attention but unwilling to do the work. Satan rarely takes pleasure in his work, he’s forced you know. But in these recent times, people like you who are more determined to talk about yourselves and don’t care about those around you, it’s fun to watch you stumble and fall. Try and fail. You don’t care about the way your world acts or how you can help it. You only care about you. It’s sickening.” Vixen then stands and walks out of eyesight while Benton stays sat on the edge of his bed. He knows he deserves it.

If you sell your soul to the devil, please don’t make it easy by being a self-indulgent cunt. Help those around you, and maybe, just maybe, you might be thankful you did it.