I had never felt so low. My closest friends had left school and left me to contend with the people who couldn’t stand me. They refused to befriend, be civil towards or even acknowledge me. Maybe it was my fault. But when people form a tight circle and deliberately leave you out, you get the feeling that it is them as oppose to you. I fell in love with the wrong girl. One of my friends had gone out with her after I told him of my true feelings. He never loved Laura. Tom only loved himself and the sounds of his incessant whining. I despised him. There was no affection towards her before I mentioned my feelings, it was no coincidence. But, people liked the spotty, whiny little shit. I was an outcast. Problem was I didn’t know how to play guitar. They would’ve love the angst and hatred if I put it to an acoustic sound. I don’t want to be here. No one wants me here. Why don’t I do the world a favour and finish it? Hanging, stabbing or wrist cutting. Why stay? Why not end the pain? I’ll have to think about this. I’m going for a walk.
I had an hour free. I didn’t want to go home, my mum would be there by now and I couldn’t explain these things to her. Plus my Dad came down early. He wouldn’t help, not from the lack of trying. He’s just a bit clueless. There was a heath behind my school, I had to walk pass all the PE classes but I don’t care. They don’t care. They wouldn’t care if this was the last time they saw me.
It had been raining mere hours before my walk. The ground felt like it was sucking me down with each step. It was a very apt metaphor. I continued until I reached the clearing. Their had been a fire and all around was burnt. It looked very cruel. Just another reminder and I continued. I walked to the sandy part as there was more chance I could have stable footing and walked down a bit more. I continued as if I was walking to the main road that runs outside the school. That when I spotted it. A break in the usual trail that was now overgrown. I decide to give it a go. It looked quiet, natural and untouched. I needed to stop, just to take it all in. It took my breathe away. There was a tree that grew in such a spectacular way that the branches form a seat, seemingly inviting me to stay for a while to recollect my thoughts and my feelings.
I sit and just look around. There is another path to this scene of green tranquillity but I doubt people notice it too much. After all, there was only one way out and that had grown over by some years. It was so peaceful. Then, something disturbs the peace. It’s a bird. Actually, it was a number of birds. Small birds, like Robins and Tits. They are singing there songs with delightful melody. Then I can hear something else occurring. A squirrel has joined the plain and is jumping from branch to branch overhead. Nature has accepted me. I always said that animals are better than people. They can tell when someone is good in their soul rather than how they look or what there feelings are. Now I can start the evaluation.
The small Eden allows me to calm and consider what I want and why I should stay alive. It seems hopeless. My friends have left and I barely see them anymore, I miss them and all there annoying talk on science, HTML and other technological wizardry. Maybe I’m overreacting. I can still see them. But I’ve still got the problem of Laura and Tom. How can I get through this? I’ve tried having other girlfriends but it always end with me resenting them and them being huge cunts (emotionally). I feel low again. Nothing I’ve ever tried to do to get over her has worked. She remains in my heart, like a sweet poison. I pick up my notepad and a pen. I start to doodle, I end up drawing someone praying for guidance. A small poem pops into my head and I feel compelled to write it down. I read it. It says something that I know was in my soul, but I never read it before. This statement makes me realise what I want. To know that I’m a good person in my conscious.
Laura will remain with me throughout my life. I’ll let her be with him for now. I know he will treat her wrong, he treats everyone wrong at some point until they ignore him. Then, he’ll cry, bitch and moan. She doesn’t need that. She doesn’t deserve that. I’ll wait for her. As long as it takes.
I felt calm. The feeling was of peace and tranquillity. Nature had a way of showing me the light of my convictions, also it helped me discover the way I enjoy writing and letting my emotions out on paper. 45 minutes had go. I have to go now or I’ll be late for English. The birds and squirrels stare as I slowly move toward the exit and flutter or hop back a pace. They don’t move far, but they watch me. They’re eyes are on me with confusion or anticipation. I walk back up the sandy part, but this time I cut through the large field at the back of the school. I walk between the long jump and the tennis courts to the car park. That’s when I see her again. We make brief eye contact and she gives me a gentle smile. I want to say something but I’m whisked away my Ben and Glen (real names.) But, that smile. I’ll wait. I’ll live for now. I don’t need them to make me feel bad. I’m a good person, and I will always have that knowledge.
The rest of them can fuck off. I did what I thought was right for someone I cared about.